GNU's Not Windows
A horrifying fanfic by Elizabeth Myers


FOREWORD

I already said much of what I want to say in the foreword to The Anti-Patent
Clause. I can add little to that, other than all trilogies need a satisfying
ending.

This is the long overdue conclusion of a three-part series of fanfics.

Sorry, but I'm not sorry.

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CHAPTER 1: The Executive

Paul Allen was sitting at his desk at Microsoft, crunching quarterly numbers.
He let out a sigh to his secretary, "this job is really dull. If I have to be
here another year, I'm going to neck myself."

His secretary nodded. "I'm sure the stress is getting to you, with the new CEO
and all that."

Paul sighed again. "Yeah... he's a hardass." He went back to his Microsoft Excel
file, preparing another quarterly profit report, when his secretary heard a
knock at the office door.

"Hi, I've been cleared by security. Can I come in?"

It was none other than Linus Torvalds.

Paul was aghast. What could the creator of Linux want with a career man at
Microsoft? What conversation could they possibly had? The two had nothing in
common whatsoever. They were very different personalities. Nonetheles, Paul
was intrigued. Something told him he had to talk to Linus that day.

"Okay, let him in," he told his secretary.

Linus walked in redolent of cologne. It was a certain irresistible scent that
Paul found himself oddly attracted to. He had never been attracted to a man in
any way before, but Linus seemed unique in a way he couldn't put his finger on.

"Hi, Paul. I need your help."

A look of shock came upon Paul's face. He began to sweat a little. What could
his biggest enemy want with him? What could he possibly want? He tried to hide
his reaction.

"W... What do you need my help with?" Paul said, in a bemused tone.

"I need you to be a third-party arbitrator. Things have gotten so complicated,
and I can't come to anyone else. It has to be you."

Paul didn't understand, but was intrigued. "Go on," he said, still confused.

"Okay, so, Richard Stallman, Eric S. Raymond, and I... some really, really
confused stuff has gone on between us. I don't know what to do, Paul."

Paul was even more confused by this. "Why can't you go to... Greg
Kroan-Hartshone or whatever his name is? Why not talk to him? Why not Colin
Pina Colada or whoever that guy is?"

Linus grumbled. "Look, now is not the time for jokes. I can't come to anyone.
I have to come to you. You're the only one who can help me save face. It's
something really embarrassing. We are talking so embarrassing, that if word
got out, it would be the end of me. It would be the end of my career."

Paul was intrigued. He always wanted to destroy Linus Torvalds. He thought to
himself, "I'm gonna ruin this whole man's career, right now. I'll make him
regret all of those Microsoft penis jokes and those Microsoft Works smart-ass
wisecracks." He resisted the temptation to rub his hands together.

"Okay, let's hear it, Linus."

Linus sighed. "Here's the thing. Nobody is gonna believe I ever came to see you.
Nobody. So whatever I say here, I don't care. You can tell the world, and you
know what? They aren't going to believe a fucking word. Not a single one. With
that out of the way, let me tell you what I need."

Linus took a deep breath. "Okay. So basically, things have gotten complicated
between me, Eric S. Raymond, and Richard Stallman. I keep thinking constantly
about the licensing disagreements between us with no end in sight. I want a
solution that helps us all save face."

Paul looked at Linus with a bemused face. He had never touched a libre license
in his life, and he wasn't about to start now. Somehow though, he knew he had
to help Linus. Something, and he couldn't think of what, told him that turning
away Linus would be walking away from something big. Maybe he could persuade
Linus to adopt a proprietary license or special agreement for Microsoft and
Linux if he helped.

"Okay. I'm in. I got four weeks paid vacation left. I assume you need me to
moderate, as a neutral and disinterested third party?"

Linus shifted awkwardly. "I was hoping you'd have some interest... but... well,
you'll understand when we get to Cambridge."

"Cambridge? Are we going to meet at RMS's flat? That man is disgusting. I saw a
video online of him eating something from his foot. No way I'm going anywhere
near that man!" Deep down, Paul wanted nothing to do with RMS's ideas of freedom
and open source. He was just looking for an opportunity to persuade the head
honcho of Linux to do a favour for Microsoft. He certainly wasn't going to go to
some greasy neckbeard's disgusting flat, with his filthy futons so bad, they
were a legend even in Redmond.

Linus quickly relented. "Okay, okay, Paul, we can..." He hesitated for a moment.

"We can meet in Pennsylvania. ESR washes."

Paul was relieved. He was more politically aligned with ESR to begin with, so he
knew this would help smooth things over. "Okay. Pennsylvania it is. We'll meet
next week?" He marked his calendar.

"Sounds good. You can find ESR's address online. I'll let him know."


CHAPTER 2: The Neckbeard

Richard heard a knock at his door. He wasn't expecting guests at this hour, and
the sex party wasn't set to start for another hour.

"Go away," Richard said. "You're way too early. I'm busy writing a piece about
the virtues of voluntary celibacy."

"No, Richard. It's me. You remember."

Richard was agahst. Could it be Linus? He was incredulous.

"Is that you, Linus?" He remembered the last time they met. "I've committed my
life to celibacy, go away."

Linus wasn't coming away empty-handed without his man. "Richard, I know you're a
volcel now. But I really need you to open up. This is about licensing."

Richard was intrigued. Perhaps at last, he could convince Linus to use the GPLv3
for the Linux kernel, and heal the rift he had created. He could convince Linus
the evils of Tivoization and to change his ways.

"Okay, Linus. I'll bite. But I demand a moderator. No proprietary bullshit one,
either."

Linus smirked. He had him. "I have a neutral third-party moderator. Don't worry
about who it is. I'm sure you'll find him perfectly fine. He may need some...
persuasion about the FOSS thing, but you're great with that." Linus knew this
wasn't true, but he knew it would hit the spot and draw him in.

Richard sighed. "Okay, is it here, or is it at MIT? I don't think I'm welcome at
MIT ever since... uhhh..." He awkwardly coughed. "well, I'm just not welcome
there."

"Oh dear God, may I ask why?"

"Some things are better left unsaid," Richard awkwardly interjected.

"Oh-kay... anyway, this is in Pennsylvania, we'll do it at ESR's place. Next
week. Plenty of time to swap source code."

"Sounds like a date!" Richard wrote it into his calendar, and crossed off a
speaking engagement at a conference about the anti-shower movement.


CHAPTER 3: The Republican

Linus pulled up to a small house in Pennsylvania. He got out of the car and
knocked on the door.

"Linus!" A surprised Eric S. Raymond answered the door. "Aren't you a sight for
open source eyes?"

"Hi Eric. I need you to do me a favour..." Linus teased.

"Shoot." Eric was ready to do what Linus asked, finding the allure of his
Perkele to be very strong. He sniggered to himself, thinking he made a funny
pun about his gun activism.

Linus ignored the awful pun. "So, I am having a conference here in Pennsylvania
next week. I know, I know, an awful place. You don't have to tell me that.
Anyway, can you help house it? Paul Allen, me, and RMS will be there, and I'd
appreciate it if you were there too. This is strictly a closed-source
conference between the four of us, no outside guests."

Eric gulped. He kne he had lots of confused feelings for Linus. He had even more
confused feelings about it being closed-source. But he knew he couldn't pass up
the opportunity to see Linus and RMS again...

"Okay. I'll host it. When will it be?"

Linus grinned ear to ear. "Next week! I'm bringing my pistol too. We can shoot
together."

"Oh my," Eric interjected. "I'll shoot with you any day!"

Linus smirked. "Hope your gun's loaded next Wednesday."

Eric giggled with glee. "It's a date!"


CHAPTER 4: The Rendezvous

Linus picked up Paul and Richard from the airport. He drove them, this time in
his rental from Avis and not the cheap place Eric suggested in Scranton, covered
in Confederate flags. He wasn't a believer in the free market like Eric was, but
had a more healthy outlook on economics.

Linus came up to the door with the two of them and a briefcase and rang the
doorbell.

"Come in, come in!" Eric said with enthusiasm. He gave Richard the eyes. Richard
had to shower because of airport security, but he still had his characteristic
musk, that always seemed to return. Eric wanted more than anything else in the
world to smell Richard's balls again. It was redolent of the man he loved so
much.

Since Eric's dining room table was covered in AR-15's, they chose to meet in
Eric's bedroom. Linus then introduced Paul to everyone.

"Paul is the only stranger here to us all. We've all... met before... heh. So
he works at Microsoft... I'm sorry, Richard. He's the moderator. Please just
try to get along..."

Richard was incensed. "Paul... Allen? *That* Paul? Oh my God, Linus, why would
you appoint him moderator? This... this proprietary salary man! He is the
epitomy of everything wrong with software!"

Linus sighed. "He's the only one that can't blackmail us for our... past. No one
will believe him. He works for Microsoft. That's like the open-source devil."

Richard relented. He admitted he had a strange attraction to Paul. It was a bit
like the excitement of an affair, or so he imagined, after all, only having had
sex twice in his life.

"Let's get started." Linus opened his briefcase.


CHAPTER 5: The Four-Way Roshambo

Linus had a wide variety of ropes, gags, and other assorted bondage gear in his
suitcase.

Paul was agahst. "Linus, what the Hell is this??? I came here to have a
wholesome discussion about licensing, and now you have ROPES? What on Earth are
you thinking Linus? You're out of your mind!"

Linus shushed Paul. "Listen here, I know something about you. You remember Joey
from your college days? You shared a frat with him. He told me all about your
gay sexcapades and experiments, and how much you enjoyed every moment of it
all. You liked keeping it proprietary even then. You never told anyone else."

Paul blushed. He tried to say something, but he could only stammer.

"Yeah, that's right. Joey... he's into FOSS now, Paul."

Paul didn't know what to say. He felt betrayed by this friend of his from a
long time ago. And yet, for some reason, the more he thought about it, the more
he realised that, he, too, had feelings for Linus and Eric. Even Richard, in the
sort of way one feels about a person when they have a strong desire to hatefuck
them. After all, Richard was like a forbidden fruit, and if Paul's philandering
with his secretary taught him anything, it was that he enjoyed the thrill of a
closed-source sexual gathering.

Linus smirked. "The thing about being a moderator in a discussion about open-
source? Yeah, that was a sham. I'm here to do so much more."

Paul's legs shook and trembled. He finally managed to speak after a moment.
"Okay... I'll have you know though... I'm a top. Like, the toppiest top you've
ever met. The Halloween documents? That was me. I'm a dominator everywhere."

Linus grinned. "I was hoping you'd say that." He prepared to submit to Paul's
clauses.


CHAPTER 6: Richard's Dick

Paul smirked. He was a seasoned rigger from playing around with his wife and
six of his secretaries, not to mention his wild college days. He bound them
all by the hands behind them and gagged each of them. But he had another trick
up his sleeve. He suspended them all by their arms from the ceiling, and had
ropes around their legs suspended from a hook, so he could freely rotate the
hapless open-source men.

"I'm going to bind you with some licensing clauses you've never seen before,"
he boomed.

Richard moaned with pleasure and became visibly erect. Linus was almost confused
as to what was happening but he knew he liked it. Eric wasn't usually one to get
suspended from his own ceiling, to say the least, but was turned on by Linus's
perkele again.

Paul smirked. "Prepare to swallow my source."

Paul turned Richard upside down from the ropes and dropped him down to the level
of his throbbing dick. Despite all the jokes, he was neither micro, nor soft. He
ungagged Richard and then shoved all nine inches into Richard's throat. Richard
gagged and tried to cough, but still found himself in the throes of utmost
pleasure. He was accustomed to Microsoft dominating the industry, and now
Microsoft was dominating him.

"Don't forget, Richard, you can't tell anyone about this. This has to be
proprietary."

For the first time in his life, Richard nodded. He loved being dominated by a
career CEO, and he couldn't figure out why.

Paul let out a large grunt and spilled his seed down Richard's throat. Richard
gulped in desperation, wanting to see Paul's source. He wanted the whole ZIP
file downloaded into his mouth. He was usually a fan of tarballs, but in this
case, he made an exception.

Paul grunted as he came dozens of ropes into Richard. "God, how does it feel?
Being dominated by Windows. We have 80% of the marketshare for desktops, and
I have 80% of the share for cum and dick here."

Paul pulled out to listen to Richard's response. "This isn't open-source...
it's so wrong, but it feels so right. How can a proprietary dick taste so
good???"


CHAPTER 7: The Cathedral And The Bizarre

Paul smirked and put the gag back on Richard. He turned his attention to Linus
and Eric.

"Okay, for you two, something special." He ungagged them both and turned Eric
upside down.

Paul laughed. "You're gonna suck each other off, 69." He pushed Eric and Linus
into each other.

Linus and Eric began eagerly sucking each other's dicks. The smell of Richard's
balls and the stench of his ass began to turn Eric on. Linus was repulsed, but
played through the pain. He wanted Eric's pull request and he wanted it
yesterday. It wasn't every day he could express the gay side of himself.
Besides, he found the idea of this being a forbidden act and his wife not
knowing to be an incredible turn-on.

Linus took Eric's large dick deeper into his waiting mouth and into his throat.
Eric moaned with pleasure as he took in Linus's equally-matched wang into his.
Both rocked in pleasure and moaned as they approached climax. Linus, being into
edgeplay, stopped sucking at strategic points, to keep him from releasing his
source as long as possible.

Eric, being frustrated with the cathedral-like ways of Linus's teasing, bit
Linus's long member to send a message, but didn't do so too hard. He didn't want
to be on the wrong side of Linus's perkele. It was just enough stimulation to
get Linus to push his source deep into Eric's waiting repository. As Linus began
to cum, Paul inserted a large dildo from Linus's bag into his gaping ass, making
him cum even harder. It was an open-source dildo, but Paul didn't mind. It was
what was on hand. The fact it wasn't made with AutoDesk CAD on Windows on a
commercial 3D printer was of no consequence in the moment. 

Linus decided that he wanted to get Eric off, since he had just finished. Paul
moved the open-source dildo into Eric's waiting behind. Eric unpacked his thick
tarball into Linus's home directory. Eric moaned loudly and gasped. He removed
Linus's shaft from his mouth. "Take me to the bazaar, Linus!" he screamed. He
blew his massive load of source code. Linus swallowed it all.


CHAPTER 8: The Aftermath

Paul removed them all from the ceiling and removed the gags. Eric and Linus
looked at each other with loving eyes. Richard looked at Eric lustfully. He
wanted nothing more than to sleep with Eric, but he was denied and everyone
was spent. He felt almost cheated, but Paul almost made up for it.

"Eric... I love you, but I want to share the love. I want us to be lovers at
last. All I could think of up there, while Paul was pushing his source into me,
was you. I want to give up my life of voluntary celibacy. I want to be with
you, but I can't promise exclusivity... you know that."

Eric sighed. "You know I can't do that. The only one here I truly have feelings
for besides you, is Linus, and we all know he's married..."

Linus sighed. "You're right. I can't give up my wife for this. It wouldn't be
fair for her, and you know... I can't keep making trips like this without
raising her suspicion."

Richard sighed. "I understand..." He held back his tears.

Eric looked into Richard's eyes and gave him a deep kiss. "We have shared
something special, Richard. We shared our source with each other. We showed
each other the code. We put aside our differences on licensing and found
something special. I just... I can't share you, not with anyone else but
Linus, maybe. That's just how I am. I want it to be different, I really do..."

Richard looked at Linus and Paul. "Thank you for bringing me here, Linus," he
breathed.

Paul sighed. "Same to you, Linus... we should go."

They all began to leave when Paul turned around as he left.

"Eric?"

"Yes?"

"We should do this again, together. Maybe make this a yearly event. We can call
it a 'conference,' you know?"

"Yeah, yeah, definitely." Eric said. He knew in his heart he lusted after this
again, and he knew he wanted to get to know Paul more.


CHAPTER 9: Eric

Eric went to his backyard and sighed. He opened a Coors Light, the beer he had
once heard Ayn Rand enjoyed.

"You know, I miss those guys," he said to himself.

He picked up his pistol and prepared to shoot at three bobbleheads. He paused
for a moment.

"I can't shoot their effigies," he thought.

He shot at his usual target, a paper target on his shed, instead. Dead center
from 100 yards, each time.


EPILOGUE

Later that year, Paul Allen died of cancer. Linus, Eric, and Richard all went to
his funeral. They had lost their moderator, but had not lost their friendship.
Paul had brought them together, but it seemed unlikely they would cross paths
anytime soon again.

Against the backdrop of growing rifts in FOSS, the three went their separate
ways. Linus and Eric distanced themselves from Richard after controversial
comments he made about Epstein. Richard devoted his life to celibacy once more,
this time for good. He just couldn't have his heart broken again like that.

Richard swore to himself he would never speak to Eric again, and to this day,
he's kept that promise.

Linus went back to the Linux kernel, keeping silent on all that had transpired
that year.

Eric went back to being his usual Republican-in-Libertarian's-clothing
lifestyle. He never spoke to either Richard or Linus again, especially after he
touted his support for Trump.